T*S*E Rant ~ Diet Fads

Hiya, fans ;)
This discussion hits most Americans…..Diet Fads.

For years, I hated the way I looked. I envisioned having a fun house mirror in all angles in my room. I remember my high school experience when it came to “fitting in”, and it was no wonder I didn’t bother to make friends in certain circles; and the last time I was close to an average weight was when I was five.  My past motivations were to get into a size eight to wear trendy clothes and land a boyfriend{….Hey, don’t laugh; at the age of fourteen that was everything! ;) }. To clear things up now, NEVER use the “man” card as your reference to help you slim down and the same goes for the big men reading this when finding a woman.  It’s a waste of time and heartache to try and change for the sake of a future mate who won’t even look at you until one has lost more than a fraction of a pound.


If that has happened already, ask yourself this~
where was all this attention when you were eating fried chicken morning, noon, and night? —- Think about it.

Also, the most favorable of motivation killers for me is the co-workers who love to give out advice, just to give meaning in their lives. I have been through it all, most of them involve giving me self-help books and tapes but the rest was just flapping their gums.
One of my pet peeves when concerning the ‘battle of the bulge’ was other hefty people giving advice like they had already found the answer to the problem and were just wearing a “fat suit” three days a week for laughs.
Anyway, let’s get on with our topic. Now, we all heard that if we cut out the sweets, the bread, anything granola, all bananas and so on;
we thought about giving you folks the same advice…..but then we’d kill ourselves from boredom :)

We’re gonna give you something even better. Why give you ‘sensible’ when we can be brutal? ;)


Here we go —- “Top 4 Most Popular Diet Fads”

Coming in 4^th place~
The Grapefruit Diet

For those new to the scene, this particular one is normally called the “Hollywood” diet; you would eat and drink NOTHING but this fruit with the occasional bacon and eggs. It’s time tag is 10 to 12 days with a 2 day reprieve.
It’s perfect for women who think that their 10 extra pounds is really 100lbs, like they can’t add. I don’t know how anyone can substitute everything in the food pyramid for one piece of fruit….


In 3^rd place~
The Tapeworm Diet

These little parasites enter the body through raw meat and can travel through the body by BM once they have done their jobs; the plus is that they eat the calories for every piece of food you consume.

And now for the negative —- since it’s a parasite, it can consume not only the calories but every bit of the vitamins and nutrients needed to function; there’s also the possibility of it swimming in other places than your stomach. Thank GOD it’s banned in the U.S. You don’t wanna know the side-effects.

The only way to get rid of it fully is to be prescribed antibiotics so it can kill any eggs left behind.
It goes without saying that I WON’T be using this one.


2^nd place~
The Liquid Diet

This was a mixture of four different kinds of diet trends. There’s the Master Cleanse used by Beyoncé containing either tea or lemonade mixed with maple syrup and cayenne peppers,
the Ketogenic Enteral Nutrition (KEN) used to preventing sudden epilepsy in children [and before you say anything about this is an injection product, it’s STILL liquid];
a concoction of boiled hooves and hides,
and lastly, guzzling down water for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
NO WAY am I gonna attempt this! Like I tell everybody that offers the vegan route —- in order for me to stick with it, I would have to start when I was first born. Food, ACTUAL solid food; is too good for me to give up.


And in 1^st place~
The Cabbage Soup Diet

A low-calorie meal that goes on for seven days with new add-on food groups for each day consisting of either Vegetables [sparingly], Potatoes [sparingly], Beef [sparingly], Skim milk [once], Fruit [sparingly —- bananas = once], and Brown rice [once].

….Ok.
I get the Skim milk one cuz it gives people gas [I know it does to me….], but I cannot have beef whenever the damn diet says I can have it. If I’m craving it, then fuck off!
And did you notice that there were no sweets mentioned throughout this whole thing?! Ladies, what if it’s our time of the month? You REALLY gonna sit there and slurp this new form of rabbit food and hope it deters you from the M&M’s and the Peanut Butter ice cream….well, power to ya! Cuz I’m gonna be the one taunting your ass.


And that’s it.
I know, we could’ve put more but the tally had ended up splitting the placements.
The ‘English’ Translation —— two diet fads tied in 5^th place, four had tied in 6^th place and so on and so forth. And you can imagine how many they were for Honorable Mentions…..but if you’re REALLY that curious, this rant must have more than 100 views in the first two (2) weeks on FB to read about the most strange and idiotic diet fads now in existence.

If you have invented one yourself, leave them at the bottom of this post.

That’s the end of this week’s rant.
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T*S*E Rant~ Xmas Gift-giving

Welcome to our debut of our new segment~
T*S*E  Rants

More craziness, just renamed.

This update will be what I had previewed on “WTF?!”
As far as my holidays went, it was civil {i.e. boring}. The most life we had was the gift-giving --- or lack thereof; what pisses me off the most other than CP time is when there are gonna be one or two extra people unaccounted for. Two years ago, I didn’t have a job so I couldn’t spring for gifts {and at those times, I miss being a kid….just make a card out of confetti and Cray paper and they’ll love it cuz you’re a kid that don’t know any better}. The year after, I only had just started my gig 3 months before Christmas; I was pardoned.

THIS year, I had no excuses.

My budget for each person, excluding two {not the unknown guests}, was $20.
And be thankful I could spare that since they upped my hours at work.
I had gotten some decent stuff, but still this merriment only served to irritate me. Remember when I said we had two other people that showed up? Well, of course I had no gifts for them; I was revered as the ‘bad guy’ of the family --- that’s nothing new with my judgmental kin, but who’s fault was it that I didn’t find out til the day of when all my cash was run out?
I’m not a fucking physic!

Anyway, let me get to the main reason behind this rant entitled:
Gifts you KNOW they really don’t give a fuck!

Warning~
I will be mentioning a GREAT deal that’s gonna make you mad {possibly if you’re overly sensitive}. You can quit reading at any time!

>:(  = Gift Cards/Cash
The first gift I got basically as soon as I walked through the door.
I get that MOST would be happy with these {especially the givers}, but to me it shows you didn’t bother to use your precious brain power to think of something geared towards me!
Anyone in my life who cared would’ve known I love ripping the paper as much as wrapping w/ it; why the hell would you give me cash! What, you think that because it’s in an envelope and I can rip that I’d be satisfied? Believe me, there’s DEFINITELY something I want to rip open, and it’s not a Christmas present.

And another thing, gift cards ARE convenient --- I’ll admit that one --- only IF you give one they’ll actually USE!! I mean, what kind of person would I be if I gave a $50 Bally’s Gym card to a friend that is past the borderline of ‘overweight’ when I know damn well she likes to shop at F.Y.E. for horror movies? Or if someone gave me a $20 card to Olive Garden when they see me eating at Burger King? Not only are you wasting money, but now you just ticked those people off! Be thankful that all they do is take their gift back from you and never speak to you again.

>:(  = Re-gifting
If you got a great memory like me when it comes to the ‘wow’ factor, you don’t want to do repeats.
That’s EXACTLY what I and my friend would’ve done with the gift cards if we can dig them out of that person’s backside. We will repeatedly give them to someone who will use them.

Which brings up our next sub-category----

>:(  = ‘Gifting’ for yourself
Where you give a gift you KNOW they’re gonna hate when you really bought it for you to use.
Seriously, instead of plotting and scheming to get it from that kind friend by ‘convincing’ them to give it back; save you fucking money and actually get to KNOW the person you’re buying for.

>:(  = Present Combo
Just. NO!
To sum up my meaning here’s a little fact from my family.
I have a cousin who’s literally born on Christmas Day {whereas I was born on Thanksgiving in ’83 but it’s ever changing} and every year, my family decides to be cheap!
You know what I’m talking about. I’m sure you have met or know someone personally that has that same dilemma of being born on a national holiday; I’m sure you hear from them the same thing I’m griping about. Thankfully, I was not part of THAT scheme since I was buying my own gifts this year; I gave my dear 19-yr-old male relative two and wrapped one of them with ‘Happy B-Day’ paper --- just so he knows I didn’t forget.

For those who STILL don’t understand, here’s an equation for ya~
 

December 25^th {ANY year} = The birth of the Lord Jesus
December 25^th {ANY year} = The birth of Friend/Loved One

Jesus = Entity
Friend/Loved One = Human

FINAL SUM~
two different beings +two different B-days = two different presents

GET IT?!?!

And that’s all for this rant.
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Chow for now :P